A few more words on friendship…

I know I’ve written about friends and friendship before, but it really is the most fascinating topic…

A few years ago, one of my closest friends from Durban moved to Joburg. We kept in touch for a while, but the inevitable difference in pace-of-life between Durban and Joburg (and then Cape Town and Joburg) meant we drifted apart… Joburg is fast paced and furious, the lifestyle is totally different, and the stretches between phonecalls got longer and longer.

At first I was really upset about it. How do two people who get on so well not keep in touch? I thought. Our friendship was always such fun, so inspiring and vital and full of life. I was really sad to see it go. Of course, it’s not gone at all. We haven’t spoken in months, but this morning, out of the blue, he gmail-chatted me, and we ’spoke’ for over half an hour. We both said how we’d missed each other, how we’d been feeling bad about being bad friends, how life got in the way.

And this is the thing with friendship - especially friendships when you’re not in the same city (or country), or when your lives are moving in vastly different directions: you lose touch. But just because you’ve lost touch, doesn’t mean that love and connection is gone. It just means it’s taken a back seat for a while, while other friendships come to the fore. The mark of a true friend is being able to see someone after ages and ages, and just seamlessly slip back into your friendship. I really believe that.

So if you’ve been feeling bad about not being in touch with a friend, or about a friend not being in touch with you, maybe give yourself a break. Life is busy, and full, and sometimes we just need some down time from obligations. Real friends will understand that.

Are you stuck on something?

Just a quick one today, to provoke a little thought…

In our last philosophy class, we were speaking about getting hung up on something that happened in the past, some emotionally charged issue that was impossible to let go of. Say you see someone who treated you really badly, and you haven’t seen them since the incident, and the moment you see them you feel all that anger and bile and angst rising again. What do you do?

Well, most of us think, “I have to deal with this! Why haven’t I dealt with this? Why am I still hung up on this when it happened so long ago? Why am I so angry all over again?” etc etc etc, and our minds start whirling like a merry-go-round on fast forward. Not exactly soothing.

This happens because our discursive mind (the chatterbox) is where we experienced the incident the first time, and where we experience it again - our memory throws it back into discursive mind, and it feels real, all over again. So how to escape this vicious cycle? Distraction. Do something more engaging than the thoughts, so that you can distract your mind with action. Watch a movie. Go for a run. Go dancing.

Only a short-term solution, yes. But you can’t deal with an emotionally charged issue when you’re feeling upside down, can you? It’s too late. You have to deal with it later, when you’re centered, when you’ve regained some sense of stillness. Then you’ll be able to look at it calmly and see a real solution. You’ll be able to come unstuck.

And I think that’s a pretty wonderful goal for all of us: unstuckness.

Clean as you go….

If any of you have ever worked in McDonald’s, this is apparently one of their mottos. Who knew?

It is also, though, a succinct and profound practical philosophy tip.

We were speaking, this week, about how often - when we’re stuck in an unfortunate situation - we can’t see our way out of it. We’re so busy thinking and worrying and getting ourselves muddled up that there’s no space for clarity. Sometimes our heads are just so full that we can’t even see what we need to get ourselves out of the pickle. But once you calm down, you can see it. There’s not even necessarily any new information, you can just see what was always there. Clarity is restored.

Steve was suggesting that one way to make this task easier is to clean as you go - each evening, clear your mental clutter. Write it down or look it square in the face or talk it out - do whatever is necessary to keep on top of it.
And also, recognise that sometimes we can’t think our way out of things, we have to do your way out of a problem or a feeling or a rut. Which is so interesting, because it’s closely linked to what I was saying the other day about dancing myself out of a funk!

So much of the time, I find myself procrastinating in one very small, specific area. Something silly like having to make a phonecall, or write an email, or do a chore. And I’ll avoid it and avoid it and avoid it, and all the while the avoiding is taking more energy (and much more time) than if I just sat down and did whatever it was that needed to be done. A helpful question in situations like this (situations where you find yourself doing everything-but-what-needs-to-be-done) is “So what am I avoiding now?”

Hmmm….

I’m going to leave you with that thought for the weekend - what are you avoiding? And are you cleaning as you go, or allowing mental clutter to accumulate around you? My philosophy course is over (alas!) and it’s a month or so before I’ll be able to do the next one, but never fear! I have many many notes, and have hardly started exploring all the ideas in them!
Happy weekend!

Get happy!

So I didn’t win the Can You Twist competition. Alas!

For the winner, and the readers-who-won-cash, and the disappointingly corporate sponsor behind it all, see www.canyoutwist.co.za

What’s interesting, though, is that although I’m obviously disappointed (who wouldn’t be disappointed not winning R10 000?) it’s not that deep, gut-level disappointment. It’s a fleeting feeling, you know? I suppose I’ve just stumbled upon the realisation that life offers so many opportunities to us, and some we get and some we don’t get, but there’s a pattern to it all - and one day we’ll understand it.

I’ve also realised (and this is a biggie) that all we’re supposed to be trying to do every day is get happy… Yes, that does sound simplistic. I stick by it.

I was chatting to a friend of mine the other day who’s having business (money) problems. And he can’t see his way out of them, and things keep spiralling down and down, and he’s so stressed he feels like he’s going to implode. Obviously, not being in the situation, it’s easier for me to offer advice, but I think the advice holds true for all of us. When we’re stressed and unhappy and fixated on something bad, we can’t see past all that negativity. But if we can just get happy, often we find our way out of the situation - all of a sudden we can see a new opportunity.
Now, as far as I’m concerned, there are two possible explanations here:

1. The Hippy Explanation:
The energy we send out into the Universe is sent right back to us. If we’re expecting stress, we get stress. The Law of Attraction can only offer you what you’re thinking about - what you think about you bring about.

2. The Practical Explanation:
When we’re stressed we’re focused in, completely focused in, and we can only see what’s wrong with a situation. As soon as we get happy, we’re open to the world again, and we can notice things we didn’t see before - fresh opportunities and potential in the situation.

Either way, I think the quickest way out of a pickle might just be to get happy… I’ve been testing it out, lately, and it works. Depressed? Tired? Stressed? Unhappy? Worried? Get happy! You’ll feel better, and things will slowly but surely start shifting.

So how do you do it?
For me, I dance. Energetically (some might say dorkily) to loud, happy music. Or I lie in the sun on my hammock and read. Or I go for a long walk in nature. Or drink tea and eat chocolate while watching a movie I love. Or take a long, hot bubble bath. It depends on the situation, mood and time of day. But I guarantee that if your goal for the next half hour is to get happy, something to serve that goal will pop up. And if you just follow your feeling, follow that instinct towards its happy-making end, your situation will seem just a little bit lighter once you reach it….

My favourite blog -

- At least at the moment, is the author, Nick Hornby’s.

You can find it here: http://nickhornby.campaignserver.co.uk/ but I’d recommend starting on the second page, he starts with a couple of political posts that don’t really float my boat.

So what do I love about it so much? It’s not just that he’s a fantastic writer and I really admire him (although I do), or that he seems to have the balance of the writing life down to a fine art (although he does), or even that his writing is funny and true and direct and honest all at the same time (although it is).

I think it’s because reading Nick Hornby - fiction or blog - feels like it makes me a better person, somehow. It gives me a new pair of goggles through which to see the world. I highly recommend it.

Reflections on a year of blogging…

Yip, today, the 18th of August 2008, is my one year blogging anniversary!

A whole year of writing (almost) every day…

It’s funny, looking back on my first blog post, a year ago, it almost feels like reading someone else’s words. Take a look: http://blog.bridgetmcnulty.com/?p=3

My purpose with the blog was so firmly marketing related. It was supposed to be all about my novel, Strange Nervous Laughter, and about writing and getting it published. But after a while I suppose I strayed into other parts of my life - things I needed to talk about or get clarity on, things I wanted to discuss with a wider circle than my immediate friends. And now this blog feels like a little haven of peace and sanity in my day - a community of like-minded people who all get together (with a cup of tea in hand, in my imagination!) and think about things a little deeper than what’s on TV tonight (although sometimes, I confess, it is about what’s on TV tonight!)

It’s so interesting for me to look back, too, because of how much has happened to me since mid-August last year. Not only my book being published, and the publishing contract in the States, but my diabetes diagnosis, quitting my job, moving in with my man, living the life of my dreams, slowing down, going to Malawi, writing my next novel, the list just goes on and on.

Would I change anything if I had to go back in time? No. I might hint to that younger Bridget that when you slow down you appreciate things more, but who knows if I hadn’t got so sick if I would have made such dramatic changes? I’ve always said that things work out for the best - it’s interesting to have written proof of it, though!

So here’s to another year of blogging… a year that I hope will be filled with inspiration and meaning, realisations and discussions, love and laughter and writing and figuring out what we’re all here for. Thanks for joining me thus far, here’s hoping you stick around for the rest of the ride!

The father-daughter bond…

I’ve been thinking about my dad lately, for a number of reasons (not least of which because he had a birthday a couple of weeks ago - on a Sunday, so he missed out on his blog post!)

I’ve always felt extremely lucky that I got my dad. I sometimes feel like the parents you end up with are a random assignment - a lucky draw of life that will affect pretty much everything you do for the rest of your life. So I lucked out!

Of course, as a teenager having to endure sex talks with him, I was a little less certain of this, especially seeing as I was the only girl… Can there be anything more mortifying than your dad talking to you about sex? I don’t think so. But then I grew up (thank goodness) and now we have a really rare and wonderful relationship.

My dad is wise. Everyone sees it. At pivotal points in my life he writes me long, rambling (almost impossible-to-decipher-because-of-his-handwriting) letters full of advice. He’s strong and courageous and so fully present in what he believes. I can’t tell you how reassuring it is having this presence in my life - a father who is steady and dependable, a mother who is full of love.

I think sometimes dads get the short end of the stick, to be honest. Think of Mother’s Day - it’s all soppy and sweet, all about how much your mom means to you. Father’s Day? Pictures of golf clubs and beer mugs abound. And maybe it’s because dads were classically not around as much as moms, but I think the father-daughter bond is so important, not only to give you a sense of self, but to give you a belief in your self-worth and set you up for positive male relationships in the future.

How many women do you know who have screwed-up relationships with their dads and subsequently can’t ever find a good guy to date? It’s a cliche because it’s true…

I think a lot of the time we forget to acknowledge the things (and people) closest to us, because they’re so much a part of us we think they already know. And maybe they do. But that’s no reason not to throw a big ball of love at them anyway!

All resolved!

So my publishing drama is now resolved, and without having to threaten anyone with blogosphere exposure, thank goodness!

It turns out that the editor I was working with has now left, but before he left he put my reviews through for publication, without letting me know. Apparently when I said that the pieces were ‘just to give an indication of style’ he thought that meant, ‘go ahead and publish them’.

Hmm….

Still, I got a really lovely apology letter from the publisher, and apparently (although their website looks uber professional) they’re still starting up and don’t often pay contributors.

So what have I learnt? Do my homework! Don’t send out work to any website that looks good. And it’s possible to deal with things in a constructive way without getting upset…

Practical philosophy was amazing last night - I’ll update you on what we learnt soon!

The middle way…

I’m not angry any more (thank goodness!)
I don’t do so well with anger - it kind of gets into my blood and makes me feel fizzy and agitated.
But I still feel wronged, and I realised that it’s an unusual feeling for me. I don’t think people take advantage of me much… I feel lucky to be able to say this!

It’s interesting, though, because as I was deciding what to do about this situation (an online literary journal publishing my work without my consent, for those of you out of the loop) my immediate response was - just let it go! When things make me feel bad, I naturally want them out of my life. It always seems to me to be an either/or argument. Either you’re furious and ranting and can’t concentrate OR you let it go and don’t do anything about it.

But I think there has to be a middle way. I used to rile against the notion of the middle way, because I thought it meant being mediocre and not getting much done. Now I’ve realised that the middle way represents balance, and I am all about balance.

So what’s the balanced thing to do here? Take action, without negative emotion. Remove the emotional charge and just make sure that the situation is resolved. Is this obvious to everyone else? Is it just me who doesn’t see how much sense this makes, and has spent the last couple of decades either/or-ing?

So I’m going to get in touch with the publisher of the magazine and ask them to resolve the situation, and if they don’t I’m going to publish a warning against them for other writers to read. I just hate the thought that there are editors and publishers out there who are just grabbing people’s writing without any thought or respect directed to the writers. It takes all the joy out of it, you know?

I’ll keep you posted….
Incidentally, the way I reached this middle way conclusion was by asking myself, “What would a wise woman do?” so I’m being a good philosophy student in the process!

Tainted by anger…

I discovered this morning that someone has published some of my work without my permission - and without telling me. I’m not naming names (yet) because I’m trying to resolve it, but the whole thing has left me feeling so cross.

Basically, I sent through some samples of work to find out if said person (an editor of an online literary journal) wanted me to write for them. No response, besides the initial request to send through the work, and no response to a follow-up email sent a month later (this was all in March and April, mind you!)

Then, as I’m trawling the internet today, what do I stumble on but the two samples of my writing I sent through, PUBLISHED in his online magazine, without telling me or asking my permission! He even wrote me a bio from an email I sent him, and filched a photo off my website. Now, I ask you, is this honest? Is it decent?

It’s not the fact that he didn’t pay me that irritates me the most (although that gets my goat too, don’t you worry!) No, it’s the fact that someone would go behind my back and publish something of mine without telling me. It’s sneaky. And disrespectful. I don’t like it.

So now I’ve emailed the editor man and am waiting for a response. But in the meantime - despite dancing out my anger to loud music and going for a fast, long walk (also to loud music) - I’ve found my day tainted by anger. I’m not as in tune as I usually am.

And although I know this is a choice - to let it affect me - I also just feel like I’ve been wronged, you know
Let’s wait and see what his response is. Perhaps there’s a perfectly logical explanation (and I’m just not creative enough to see it)?